When it comes to knowing details of your wife’s infidelity, you should consider whether it’s really necessary. It’s a personal choice that individuals are free to make. In our experience, what you need to know depends on the situation. Although it might seem like a good idea to know all the details, you might be doing yourself unnecessary harm.
Hopefully, by reading this article, you’ll be able to develop a strategy for addressing infidelity without causing yourself undue harm. We’ll tell you what things to consider when looking into your wife’s infidelity. We’ll also tell you why we think hiring a private investigator is the best option for protecting yourself.
What Do You Need to Know?
As a betrayed spouse, there are things you’ll have to find out for peace of mind. What those things are, precisely, depends on you. Almost invariably, victims of infidelity would want to know whether or not they’d been cheated on. All additional information is a matter of personal preference.
In general, we’d advise that you find enough information to move on with your day to day life. When you can’t make a decision either to walk away from or to repair your relationship, you probably don’t yet know enough about the infidelity.
However, it would be best if you still didn’t rush into finding out as much as possible straight away. A slower, more methodical approach will protect your emotional and mental health in the long run.
First Things First
Before you do anything, it might be worthwhile creating a list of possible scenarios and what you think you would do. You know about her infidelity, so do you think there’s a possibility that you could get back together?
Make a list of things that would or wouldn’t act as deal breakers in your relationship. These might include the nature and duration of the affair, whether it’s still ongoing, and with whom they cheated. This list will inform your line of questioning. We’ll go through a few examples now.
Is It Someone I Know?
The Hollywood trope of the betrayed spouse asking their wife, “is it someone I know?” is a cliche for a reason. If their affair partner were a close friend of yours, it would probably be more hurtful than if it was a distant acquaintance or a stranger.
How Long Did This Go on For?
As you can imagine, a long-term affair poses a more significant threat to a relationship than a one-off mistake. If it transpires that your wife has been having an affair for many months, we caution you not to fall into the trap of self-blame.
It can be tempting to think, “How could I have missed the warning signs?” Indicators like hiding text messages and changes in your sex life might become blindingly obvious, but remember that hindsight is 20:20. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to look out for red flags, and it’s not your fault that your wife betrayed you.
Did You Have Sex?
Sex is important to many people, although not to everyone. There are all sorts of different ways someone can have an affair, and, depending on your values, each can hurt in different ways.
Some people are horrified by the thought of their wife having sex with someone else, while others would be more comfortable with this idea. On the flip side of this, some people might feel most deeply betrayed if their wife had an emotional affair with someone she’d never even met.
Do You Have Feelings for Them?
An unfaithful spouse might be acting out of dissatisfaction with the marriage more than anything else. They seek comfort in other people and are simply looking for a good time. Other cheating partners might fall for someone else. You can probably see how this might change your feelings about the infidelity.
A Note About Narcissists
Licensed clinical psychologist Dr Ramani Durvasula has written extensively on surviving relationships with people with narcissism, a mental health disorder characterised by extreme self-involvement.
According to Dr Durvasula, the signs of infidelity with a narcissist present slightly differently from those in someone not afflicted by narcissism. Typically, a narcissist will make the betrayed partner feel as though they are at fault. It’s not unusual for them to accuse you of cheating in an attempt to cover their tracks.
Additionally, narcissistic infidelity is far more likely to involve sleeping with someone else than it is to involve an emotional affair. To learn more about narcissistic cheating, see Dr Durvasula’s book: Should I Stay or Should I Go?: Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist.
The tactics narcissists engage in are often classified as abuse. If you fear you have been the victim of narcissistic abuse, please see the helpful links on this page from the UK government.
Remember that a narcissist is far less likely to tell you the truth in confrontation. In these cases, you might need some outside help. We’ll take you through some of the services we offer now.
Solutions from a Private Investigator
It’s a plain fact that cheaters lie. Infidelity has probably eroded the trust in your marriage, so why should you listen to your wife now? Particularly in the case of narcissists, it isn’t easy to believe what they have to say.
By hiring a private investigator, you can find out the objective truth. We won’t try to spin it in anyone’s favour; we’ll just tell you the facts.
Additionally, a private investigator can prevent too much harm. Trust us when we say that there are some things you don’t want to know. The sordid details are probably quite irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.
As a disinterested third party, a private investigator can witness and record all the details of the infidelity. We can then divulge only as much information as you want to know. We still won’t try to spin or twist things.
If the affair is over and you only have your wife’s word to go off, you might want to consider a lie detector test. PI UK can help to conduct a polygraph test on your wife to verify the statements she makes.